Joey Held, Author at Parks n Wrecked

Posted on May 28, 2020June 12, 2020 by Joey Held

Ep. 92: Butter Is My Favorite Food

Patton Oswalt guest stars in this episode and goes on a filibuster for the ages. There are also a lot of dumb rules in the Pawnee constitution – like annually throwing people named Ted into the water – so Leslie does her best to rewrite some of ‘em. To add even more fire to the flame, Leslie and Patton have to stay at an old cabin for two weeks. And Andy realizes butter is his favorite food.

Meanwhile, April works on pitting Ron and Chris against each other during the Chris Traeger Management Training Seminar (or CTMTS, for short). Will she succeed? Probably. She’s sneaky like that. Ann and Ben are also pitted against each other, but it’s on a weird eBay-esque bidding site.

Plus, the most obscure things about watching sports, Sean once again has to deal with a crappy situation at work, and we dive into fun statues and fake fans in and around baseball stadiums.

Most importantly, Sean is now 33 years old! He’s Scottie Pippen, Larry Bird, and Patrick Ewing all at once. What a great age.

EPISODE
S5, E19: Article Two

DRINK OF THE EPISODE
Boomtown Blonde from SpindleTap Brewery

TOP 5 OF THE EPISODE
Top 5 Most Ridiculous Holidays

CATEGORIES
Major League Baseball Teams

Posted on May 21, 2020May 27, 2020 by Joey Held

Ep. 91: Eddie, Get My Crossbow

Eddie, get my crossbow! So many fantastic guest appearances in this episode. Harris Wittels and Colton Dunn are here as Harris and Brad from Animal Control, AND we get Dennis Feinstein, played masterfully by Jason Mantzoukas. Even Eric Isenhower shows up as Orin – with a speaking part!

Ben, Tom, and Andy have some mighty sucking up to do to raise money for charities, while Chris injures one of his running feet. Leslie, Chris, and Ann interview potential new Animal Control candidates, and Jerry negotiates a lower salary for his current job. Magnificent.

Ron is also very sick and has to eat a banana. Who will emerge from this royal rumble showdown?!

Plus, Sean tries to play ultimate frisbee for the first time in a hot minute and struggles mightily, we dive into railway workers and the phrase “Gandy dancer,” and we talk about having to dress up during game days in high school. Oh, and please visit the Wikipedia page for high fives.

EPISODE
S5, E18: Animal Control

DRINK OF THE EPISODE
Coastal Conservation Ale from Karbach Brewing Company

TOP 5 OF THE EPISODE
Top 5 Fragrances

CATEGORIES
U.S. Presidents

Posted on May 14, 2020May 21, 2020 by Joey Held

Ep. 90: Skim Milk is Water That’s Lying About Being Milk

Ben ruined the city of Partridge, MN when he was 18 years old, but now they’re ready to forgive him. Surely this isn’t a trap. Meanwhile, Councilman Jamm is suing Ron for punching him in the face during Leslie’s wedding. And guess what? Ron would do it again if he has the chance.

Also, Chris and Ann are distraught after a series of mishaps. Could this mean they won’t be good parents? We’ll find out by the end of the episode.

Plus, we’ve got excessive beards, activities to do on a boat, and Ben gets misty-eyed watching The Price Is Right! We’re not so different, after all.

EPISODE
S5, E17: Partridge

DRINK OF THE EPISODE
National Standard from Tupps Brewery

TOP 5 OF THE EPISODE
Boat Memories

CATEGORIES
Super Smash Bros. Melee Characters

Posted on May 7, 2020 by Joey Held

Ep. 89: If True, This Guy Wants In

Leslie offers a bailout to a local movie store, but it backfires with hilarious results. April and Ann are best friends for a week, and together with Donna they perform a stirring rendition of “Time After Time.”

Jenny Slate as Mona-Lisa Saperstein makes her first appearance in the show, and that’s really all you need to know. Brandi Maxxx is also back on the scene, much to the delight of Sean.

This episode has (at least according to Joey), the BEST cold open in the entire show. Do you agree? If true, you’re awesome.

Plus, we cover the Parks and Rec reunion, Also, we really got off on a college basketball tangent there at the start, didn’t we?

EPISODE
S5, E16: Bailout

DRINK OF THE EPISODE
Meridian Hive Honey – Mead In Austin

TOP 5 OF THE EPISODE
Underrated Karaoke Songs

CATEGORIES
Types of Flowers

Posted on April 30, 2020May 7, 2020 by Joey Held

Ep. 88: You’re Too Beautiful To Be Funny

Leslie and Ben are married, but you’d barely know it from this episode. Instead, Leslie is trying to give a funny speech at a correspondents’ lunch, though it’s gonna be hard when her speech gets stolen. And Ben has a new job at Sweetums – remember that from a previous episode? Because we sure don’t – and quickly realizes he needs to whip things into shape. Meanwhile, Ann – oh Ann, you’re too beautiful to be funny – is still looking for a sperm donor, and she’s considering one Chris Traeger. Talk about some palpable tension!

Plus, we’re diving into the phrase “open up a can of whoop-ass,” we briefly dive into how babies are made (it’s via storks, right?), and discuss our first CD purchases.

EPISODE
S5, E15: Correspondents’ Lunch

DRINK OF THE EPISODE
Scrappy Boy Armadillo Ale Works

TOP 5 OF THE EPISODE
Things Sean has had stolen from him

CATEGORIES
Star Wars Characters

Posted on April 23, 2020May 7, 2020 by Joey Held

Ep. 87: Close Only Counts in Horse Grenades

Wait, are Leslie and Ben really going through with this whole “let’s get married tonight” thing? Sure seems like it! That means everyone has jobs. Leslie and Ann are working on procuring a dress. Ben and Chris are looking for wedding rings. Ron is walking Leslie down the aisle. Donna’s giving us GREAT vocals. Andy and April are finding marriage licenses. Tom and Jerry (hehe) are writing a speech.

But wait! Councilman Jamm is here to try and ruin everything. Luckily, the Pawnee parks crew isn’t about to let anyone get Jammed today. And Leslie and Ben will get their big day after all.

Plus, all kinds of drama around Animal Crossing, a deep dive into grenades (including a dissection of the song “Grenade” by Bruno Mars), and Joey is fired up about The Last Dance documentary on the 1997-98 Chicago Bulls. We also reminisce about the time our dog brought in a rat from outside. YIKES.

EPISODE
S5, E14: Leslie and Ben

DRINK OF THE EPISODE
Limetastico Sour Mexican Lager from Blue Owl Brewing

TOP 5 OF THE EPISODE
Top 5 Covid Stay at Home Activities

CATEGORIES
Will Smith Movies

Posted on April 16, 2020April 27, 2020 by Joey Held

Ep. 86: I’ll Kill ‘Em…Soon As I’m Done With These Birds

This episode hits EXTREMELY close to home – Pawnee is simulating an avian flu pandemic right as we’re living a coronavirus pandemic. And perhaps in a fitting display of the world simply not giving an eff, this episode is also riddled with technical difficulties. But much like Pawnee, we will persevere!

In any case, Leslie is getting Jammed all over the place. She’s stuck with Ann and Chris in a simulation to test the city on their emergency preparedness. Meanwhile, Andy and April are studying for a police exam, and the rest of the gang is trying to round up chairs for the evening’s big gala. Donna found one and has a lead on another. The excitement is palpable.

Ron’s also fielding questions on a talk show, which warrants its own paragraph.

Plus, we’re talking about fire drills, Joey reminisces about his experience working on TV shows in college (and funny news reporter segments in general, like this one or this one). Oh, and he’s hearing things, too, like the word “pigeon.” And we’ve got more things to do during shelter in place! Check ‘em all out and let us know you’re favorites.

EPISODE
S5, E13: Emergency Response

DRINK OF THE EPISODE
Parks and Rec Ale (!) from Zilker Brewing Company

TOP 5 OF THE EPISODE
Roles on a TV News Team

CATEGORIES
Types of Birds

Posted on April 9, 2020April 26, 2020 by Joey Held

Ep. 85: The Calzones Betrayed Me?!

Ann is looking to have a child, so she starts interviewing potential sperm donors. And boy oh boy are the pickings slim. As a result, Leslie is doing her best to stop everything, as is her MO. Meanwhile, Ben, Ron, Chris, and Tom taste test food for the wedding, but the calzones treat them incredibly poorly. How dare they. But this leads to one of the best scenes in the entire series, so we’ll take it.

For some reason, Leslie can’t attend ANY town hall meetings this week. That means April and Andy are in charge. They also get to deal with a very delightful cameo from Harris Wittels.

Plus, we’re chatting Disneyland, how Vice Presidents used to openly duel people, flip cup challenges, and the life advice that has served Sean well throughout his entire life.

EPISODE
S5, E12: Ann’s Decision

DRINK OF THE EPISODE
Coffee Porter from Last Stand Brewing
Minute Maid Fruit Punch (with low sugar!) mixed with Malibu Coconut Rum

TOP 5 OF THE EPISODE
Major Decisions Sean Has Made

CATEGORIES
Breakfast Cereals

Posted on April 2, 2020April 26, 2020 by Joey Held

Ep. 84: This is Garbage

We may be social distancing, but we’re not letting that get us down! And perhaps it’s fitting that the world is knee-deep in garbage, because we’re covering the episode “Women in Garbage” today. Sean is far away and sounds a bit like he’s in a well, but we’re doing our best with what we can, people.

For some reason, Ron once again has to play babysitter for his girlfriend, Diane, Warrior Princess. She can’t seem to find adequate care for her children! Luckily, Ron’s got Ann on his side, and she’s terrible at watching kids, too. Meanwhile, Leslie and April are picking up garbage to show they’re just as proficient as men when it comes to tackling sanitation needs. Oh, and Andy and Ben are trying to teach Tom how to play basketball. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t go well.

Plus, frustration with the government, dumb people that blatantly ignore useful rules, and we provide some activities you can do while practicing social distancing. And Haleigh gets SUPER heated during her Top 5. Take a listen!

EPISODE
S5, E11: Women in Garbage

DRINK OF THE EPISODE
Mermaids and Unicorns from True Vine Brewing Co.
Fireball Shots
Austin Eastciders Sangria

TOP 5 OF THE EPISODE
Gender Inequality Things that Piss Haleigh Off

CATEGORIES
NBA Teams

Posted on March 26, 2020April 26, 2020 by Joey Held

Ep. 83: Okay Guy, Settle Down

We’re celebrating a ton of bachelor parties (and one bachelorette party). That means a lot of fancy drinks, penis-shaped items, and general shenanigans. The boys certainly have a better time, though, between Settlers of Catan and tossing a football around with members of the Indianapolis Colts. There are also a lot of celebrity cameos in this episode, so hope everyone is keeping a close eye on things.

Plus, we’re talking about former professional athletes, how you can turn any meal into brunch, childhood schoolyard games, and Sean lets us know how many mini Totinos Pizza Rolls he ate the other day. Spoiler alert: it’s an uncomfortable amount.

This episode is also FILLED with great quotes (including “Okay guy, settle down”), so if you need fun things to say around the house over the coming weeks, we’ve got you covered.

EPISODE
S5, E10: Two Parties

DRINK OF THE EPISODE
Local Buzz Honey Rye Golden Ale from Four Corners Brewing Co.
Hop Rising Double IPA from Squatters Craft Beer
Austin Eastciders Sangria

TOP 5 OF THE EPISODE
Current NFL Quarterbacks I’d Like to Catch a Touchdown Pass From

CATEGORIES
Board Games